I used to read a lot of books. I used to stare out of train windows, my index finger turned to my lips, and make intelligent noises at the countryside rolling past. “Hmm!” I’d say, as I contemplated Jack Reacher throwing a man out of a window because he’d threatened to cut off a man’s balls. “Fascinating!”.

That hasn’t happened in months, and for a while it looked like it wouldn’t for months to come. Why? New Star Soccer, and its recent update.

My personal football hero is currently lounging on the bench of Liverpool FC. He was previously at Blackpool, where he somehow saw off a gambling addiction that saw 150 units of Footballer Currency wiped from his bank account in a single night. He got the Scouse call-up, however, and soon became a Premiership star.

He was flicking in goals from range, his team-mates loved him and he was an ace at playing picture pairs – which, for some reason, his sponsors adored. He would even let his girlfriend take his small car for a spin – and she would rarely crash it. For Bum, life was a peach. (Apart from, perhaps, the name I had christened him with.)

Then, however, came the latest update. All of a sudden Bum would casually lob a ball up to a fellow player, but instead of sticking to him like glue it would just – bounce off. The ball would move faster too, and poor Bum suddenly had to display reflexes – and could no longer play while inebriated. In all honesty, when our hero was first confronted by free kicks and corners from the side of the pitch – he had to hold onto a goalpost to steady himself. Change was not good for him.

As a New Star Soccer acolyte, then, I can take this immaturely monikered football star one of two ways – I can adapt and survive to this new, cruel and amazing difficulty spike. Or I could gracefully retire him – and leave Bum to open up a pub in Surrey, or get rudely interrupted by Alan Shearer every Saturday on Match of the Day.

I’m going for the latter. Too much of my life has been devoted to it. I can’t give any more of my soul away to an imaginary football player who can be part of major build-up play and get some top notch strikes in, yet still be awarded ‘-4’ by the idiots in the terraces.

I’m deleting New Star Soccer. It was a funny old game.

Now then, onto Fluid Football…

If you want to dance with the devil of imaginary football career addiction, you can find NSS for free on the App Store. You’ll be wanting to cough up for career mode though.