Man, if you thought EA was being a bit weird selling assault rifles and murder axes off the back of Medal of Honour, we’ve rumbled a similar scheme that was cooking over at Imangi Studios. Or maybe we didn’t rumble it at all and just decided to make it up because we were bored. Whatever. We’re wasting your time again, basically.
Anyway, a source of ours – and it’s not just Parkin doing a squeaky voice down the end of a cardboard tube – has confirmed that the Temple Run developer was planning on offering hardcore players the option to buy genuine demon monkeys from a mysterious supplier who operates out of a rusty freighter that endlessly circles the globe, only turning up at docks when everything gets really thundery and weird. “Temple Run’s all about authenticity,” said our source. “You can trace a line back from our game to almost every real world tomb-robbing event there’s ever been – and even that bit in the pilot episode of the X-Files where they find a creepy grey thing in the grave and Mulder has a funny turn. It’s really important to us. Poor Mulder.”
After Hookshot raised concerns that young people might be using their parents’ Paypal accounts to purchase ungodly six-foot monsters at a hefty discount, Imangi finally crumbled and scrapped the whole thing. “It’s a shame, though, since the campaign was funding a charity that looks after people who have sustained injuries while running into trees, falling off ledges and hitting odd hovering buttresses made out of flame while chasing after freaky square coins,” our source concluded. “They’re the real victims here.”